I couldn’t help it.
I did something bad last night and I’m ashamed to write it down for I don’t really even want anyone to know but I’m trying to keep myself from doing it again…
One of the things I hate about being a wolf is the heightened senses. I hear everything, see things from a far distance, feel things differently than most and sometimes even taste things more powerfully than others. But that doesn’t matter. What I hate is hearing everything in this house. Even hearing Mikey on the phone with TJ when he said that he was going to a hotel after prom with Tiff.
I’m not an idiot so I know what that meant. I don’t think I can put down in words how much I knew what that meant or how much it devastated me. It was even worse when I found out that TJ was coming over with TIff on prom night so him and Mikey could have their prom photos together with their dates. I only found out because mom called me down so me and Shy could take a photo with Mikey before he left. I did my best not to look at TJ or Tiff which was hard considering all I could smell was his scent and I just wanted to see him in a tux. I don’t even remember any of it happening because I was focusing so hard on trying not to cry. The one thing I know is that her smirk had to be causing the tension to be so thick you couldn’t cut it with the piercing stare she was using to burn holes into the back of my head. Again, I could hear everything she’d whisper to him…like “I can’t wait to be alone with you later…i have my cousin sneaking us some booze…you know they have a jacuzzi tub? we should definitely use it…did you bring any condoms?” and that’s what made me nearly throw up on the carpet. I went back upstairs to my room and finally let go. I never cried so hard yet so quietly in my life but my heart was and still is in pieces just knowing what they did last night. It’s making me cry just thinking about it but when they left, mom and dad went to the hideout, and Shy went to take photos for the school paper and yearbook, I stayed home with the excuse that I didn’t feel well and I didn’t. I literally wanted to die. That bimbo was off to have the time of her life with my mate and I was home alone so I took advantage.
Being a wolf means I heal twice, maybe three times, as fast as a human so I thought I could get away with cutting myself. I took a razor blade out of one of my shavers and used it to cut myself…I just needed a distraction from thinking about them or what they were doing. I needed to feel something other than my heart breaking and trying to crawl up my throat to jump out of my mouth to its impending doom. I was so upset that I didn’t realize how bad I had hurt myself until I started bleeding and it just kept bleeding. I got it to stop but it was scary but is it bad that the thrill kept me distracted? I wanted to do it again and I did…I didn’t stop till after the third time. After I got the blood to stop I just cried myself to sleep. I felt so helpless and alone…no one could relate because I don’t think anyone has had to deal with watching their mate with someone else especially when they don’t notice you the way you want them to and I just don’t feel like even breathing anymore. I really don’t. It’s getting to that point where just seeing him is making me want to cry. I’m sick of crying and being upset all the time. I want for him to realize already, come over, pull me into his arms and tell me its okay. Hell, if anyone did that it would be something for me to hold onto so I don’t feel so low…
I know it’s bad but considering what else was going on I didn’t care and I still don’t. If its what i have to do to keep myself from thinking about those two being together and doing things I wish I was doing with TJ than i guess so be it…i dont really see what the danger is considering how easy it is for me to heal. I just need to stay away from TJ so it doesn’t hurt anymore. I plan on changing my daily routine at school so I don’t see him in the hall, staying in my room or going over to Grace’s when I know he’s coming over, and avoiding talking about him period. It kills me to have to do this but…what else am I supposed to do? He doesn’t see me when all I see his him and I’m starting to give up…
I’ve been putting off writing this all day because i feel so weird putting it down with the possibility of someone accidentally this other than me but after multiple attempts of trying to masturbate and actually get off, it happened last night and only because of visualizing something with TJ…before I’d just try to get off and think about it way too much but as soon as I started thinking about TJ…oh god, it was so nice and a little overwhelming. I feel a little embarrassed just thinking about it so writing it is just as tough but I think I want to remember this just in case my life turns out to be like the notebook…it’s nothing too spectacular but this is what I thought about.
I was in room laying in bed trying to sleep but for some reason couldn’t. I was on my side with my back to my door, my eyes were closed just wishing that TJ was there to help me fall asleep. Then thats when TJ walked in…I knew because of his scent. His scent always makes me horny. Usually just smelling a passing whiff is the worst tease but I knew he was here to stay when he crawled in bed with me under the covers. I asked him what he was doing because he had just left hours before to go home because it was a school night. Instead of talking, he wrapped his arms around me, sliding one hand up to my breast and the other down my shorts…I imagined him playing with me and kissing my neck until I got off which wasn’t exactly long after
It wasn’t a crazy fantasy but considering I can’t even get him to look at me as a possible girlfriend, it was crazy to me. Just imagining anything more than that happening right now makes me anxious. :P
thats enough dirt for me so im gonna stop while im ahead.
Literally one of the best days ever
I’ve never been one to be happy about others being ill but considering today, I’m so happy to be a wolf that rarely gets sick…I have the same lunch period as TJ and Mikey and usually they sit together with their friends and I sit with Grace, Nat, and Eli but with the flu going around and their, compared to mine, weak immune systems, Mikey was home sick and so was Grace and the twins…I had a feeling I was just going to have to sit alone but TJ actually came and sat with me…I only thought he was coming to ask me how Mikey was holding up but when he sat down right next to me barely a foot away I’m surprised my heart didn’t jump out of my chest and started to dance around the table exclaiming how much I fucking loved him…but the great part is that after I told him that Mikey was still throwing up, we never mentioned him again. totally crazy but I was so happy. He asked me how my classes were going and when I told him I was having trouble with some of them he actually offered to help me with my homework if I needed it after school…I told him id love that but didn’t want him to risk getting sick because of Mikey so theres a chance he might actually take me to his place after school. I’m just hoping that when we’re done we can just hang out and watch a movie or do something that doesn’t require paying attention to homework…that’s all I want. To spend time with him so he can realize that its not that crazy of an idea that he could be with me or I with him or maybe I could find the guts to tell him how I feel…but how many times have I told myself that I’d do that? I don’t know but I’m scared of whenever that happens. He’ll probably end up telling me he only sees me as a friend or even worse like a sister but im trying to keep my hopes up…if theres one thing in my life that I want to go my way, its being with TJ and thats -all- I want. Maybe this will be the start of things…we’ll hang out and he’ll want to do it more often especially without Mikey…maybe today was actually the first day of me and TJ….oh dear god I hope.
Whats the fucking point.
I walked in on TJ making out with Tiff. I feel like I could puke and I don’t even want to write about this but i know its better than the alternative if i can even keep myself in control. i don’t understand how he even stands her. i hate to admit it but yeah, she’s pretty and has a great everything, boobs, legs, a flat stomach, her hair scary gorgeous but her fucking personality is a wasteland. she’s so nasty to everyone and only acts nice around TJ…she always gives me looks at school when ive done nothing wrong…but to see them laying down on the couch downstairs her hands all over him makes me even wonder what the hell the point of me waiting around is. does he even feel a hint of attraction towards me? I know im younger and im just mikey’s younger sister but is it really that bizarre for the chance of him to feel the same way about me? I guess so considering when Tiff is around he doesnt get the chance to talk to me because she’s a controlling bitch…but this time was different…well, this is the first time but I’ve seen them together before which is annoying on its own but he actually had his hands all over her, too…and thats just something I want so badly but that waste of space is getting all his attention while I’m in my room crying my eyes out just wishing he’d realize how fucking much I love him…I know I don’t have everything she does but I’m not that bad…at least I don’t think i am but im so fucking upset that its hard just being around him without her around anymore…maybe i’ve been wrong about this the whole time and I’m just infatuated with him more than him being my mate…maybe im just too in love with him to notice anyone else that -could- be my mate but i really don’t want anyone but him which makes it all so difficult and i have no idea what to do. my life is so messed up and I wish I wasn’t even a wolf so I wouldn’t have to deal with this mate shit. fuck this.
I’m only a freshman, why am I worrying about prom?
Because maybe I’m worried I won’t be going…the only way I’d go to prom is if TJ would go with me which would be a long shot if we weren’t dating by then. I know he hates that school and he’ll have graduated two years before then so its frustrating. I could always go with a friend but considering I don’t know anyone outside of the family in that school and choose not to…that might be weird. Ugh. However if the stars would align and we go to prom together? Oh gosh, it’d be so amazing…I’d want to wear a dark blue dress because I know its his favorite color and his suit would match. I’ve seen him in a suit before and he looked so great but to know he’d be dressed up for me just makes me want to hide under my blanket and swoon. this may be a surprise but I’d actually want him to pick me up in his truck. I feel like limos are so natural and considering its so much money for a short ride to the school? his truck seems more intimate and relaxing to me…i just hope he’d still have his truck by then…the one thing I’d be scared about is dancing. I’ve never danced before apart from that time I went to a wedding with my parents and they had a father and daughter dance and daddy danced with me but that was different. As i was saying though, id be okay with slow dancing but I’m afraid I’d embarrass myself with anything else. then i think after prom we would do something else…maybe go for a drive to the beach and grab some food on the way because i heard prom food isn’t that great. We would cuddle under the stars and just talk about things we could do over the summer and stay there till sunrise before we had to go back to his apartment where we’d sleep all day then spend the rest of the weekend watching movies and hanging out…i don’t know, i think im fairly simple but then again if im so lucky he could be the one to surprise me but i guess I’ll just have to find out?
I’ll let you know.